Sweet Oblivious Antidote

Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow,
Raze out the written troubles of the brain
And with some sweet oblivious antidote
Cleanse the stuff'd bosom of that perilous stuff
Which weighs upon the heart?
—Macbeth V.iii

Andi drove from the theater to her house in silence. I was afraid to break it. My arm resting on the seatback let me softly touch her shoulder as she drove. Once at a stoplight, she pulled my fingers to her lips and kissed them, then put my hand securely back on her shoulder. Much though I wanted to, I didn’t dare put my hand on her leg beside the console. I didn’t want to seem pushy. I hadn’t felt this nervous since high school.

She pulled the van into the spot behind her duplex and as soon as we were both out of the car she grabbed my hand tightly as she went to the back door and unlocked it. She didn’t bother to ask whether I wanted to come in.

As soon as the door shut behind us, Andi’s lips were pressed against mine and we both moaned as we found each other’s warm, receptive mouth. I held her… no, I clutched her tightly against me, willing her to simply know how much I loved her.

When Eric’s three-legged cats finally decided they liked me a few years ago—or at least that I was a fact in the building and wouldn’t suddenly disappear—they attached themselves to me at every opportunity. If I sat on the back steps to drink wine with Eric, or if a group of us gathered around a hibachi to grill steaks on the landing, they would twist around my ankles, rubbing and purring. If I failed to pet them in the right spot, they rubbed against me until they had satisfied themselves. Once, when I was juggling two bags of groceries that I’d carried down the hill from QFC, they slipped past me into my apartment and when I sat in my recliner they were suddenly both in my lap kneading my leg with their one front paw each and pushing every part of their bodies against me with a purr that shook the picture on my wall.

I swear that Andi was purring against my chest as she molded her body into mine.

Nor was I idle in petting her.

Whenever I took a breath to say something, she captured my mouth in another kiss. We were lost in each other. When Andi pushed me away firmly, I thought we were ready to return to cautious reality.

“Dag, Cali is spending the night at Alex’s house. Will you stay with me tonight? Please.”

“Andi…” It was what I wanted more than anything, and still I was so afraid that our relationship wasn’t ready. “Andi, are you sure? Once we do this we can’t go back. I love you desperately, but I don’t want to lose what we have.”

“Dag, my darling. We don’t have to sacrifice what we have to have what we want. You are a good man. I know you might break my heart one day, but I also know you would never be cruel or hurt me if you could avoid it. Now come with me.” She turned and headed toward her bedroom. I started to follow, then stopped abruptly.

“Andi, wait.” She turned and I saw a moment of doubt and worry on her face. “I’m not prepared. I didn’t bring anything…” Damn the age of safe sex!

“Take one from the cookie jar,” she said, laughing at me. Then she stepped back into the kitchen and looked me straight in the eye. “Grab a handful.”

***

Once we were in Andi’s bedroom, everything slowed down. It wasn’t that we didn’t both desperately want to consummate our love, but neither of us wanted to miss anything about the experience. I looked around and realized that in seven years of friendship I’d never seen Andi’s bedroom. Her bed was actually bigger than mine, no matter that I was nine inches taller. There simply wasn’t room in my apartment for a big bed and so I slept diagonally on a standard double.

The décor in Andi’s room was feminine, but not girly. She had matching pastel sheets, duvet cover, dust ruffle, and pillows complemented by the simple dressing chair upholstery and the drapes. There was nothing ornate, but a simple throw-rug in a darker hue was in front of the bed, and a couple of very nice pieces of artwork that on closer examination proved to be quite erotic hung on the wall. The rest of the room was decorated in pictures of Cali at all stages of her life. There was Cali in school pictures and Cali in plays. I was a little nervous about undressing in front of so many pictures of the girl.

Andi took that decision away from me. We gently helped each other out of each item of clothing, showering kisses on each other as we removed each piece. We let our hands touch each other and our lips taste each other. Both of us wanted to remember this moment for the rest of our lives and neither of us wanted it to be a blur of frantic passion.

But the passion was there. As we settled our naked bodies between the sheets, we kissed and even laughed at each other’s reactions. She softly kissed my head near my wound and asked if it was okay. We surprised each other with impromptu discoveries of erogenous zones that neither of us knew we had. When I dragged a finger lightly from the hollow beneath her collar bone across her breast and down to the valley of her navel, Andi shuddered in my arms. Then she giggled like a teenager and quietly said, “Do you want to… now?” I smiled at her wickedly.

“No. I was thinking we’d just tease each other tonight.” Her eyes got big and then a fit of giggles took us both over. Her hand caressed my ribcage and I could feel an electric tingle all up and down my spine. I pulled her to me and kissed her eyelids. “Oh Andi, I love you so much.”

“Then make love to me, Dag.”

We slid together and with a minimal amount of fumbling I began to enter her as I looked into her eyes. Not for the first time, I felt I could just lose myself in her eyes. I pressed my cheek against hers and sank sank slowly into her. She suddenly caught her breath, her whole body shaking. I felt moisture against my cheek and looked again at her face. Tears streamed from her eyes, clenched shut. I panicked slightly. I don’t know what possessed me.

“Andi… Were you… Were you a…?” I couldn’t finish the sentence. She panted shallowly.

“I have… a… 17-year-old daughter. I don’t think it grows back.” There was something determined about the way she said it. She opened her eyes, filled with tears and a smile broke across her face that filled my heart.

“Andi…?”

“Just make love to me, Dag. I’ve waited so long for you.”